Dealing with an Unplanned Pregnancy

There are few instances in life quite as scary as realizing you are pregnant when being pregnant is the last thing in the world you want to be. If you are reading this now, you have probably experienced that moment of panic yourself – staring down at the pregnancy test and knowing that your life has now been forever changed.

It’s important for you to know, though, that you do not have to be alone. And that being in this position, no matter how you got here, does not make you a bad person. According to the CDC, nearly 50% of pregnancies every year are unplanned. This is especially true of those under the age of 19, where nearly all pregnancies are unplanned. You certainly are not the first woman to find herself in this situation, and there are options to help you decide what to do next.

If you are feeling scared and unsure, one of the first things to do is to find someone you trust to talk to. Isolating yourself will only make this next stage that much harder. You need support and the advice of someone who cares about you as you move forward. If you don’t feel as though you have anyone in your life who currently matches that description, consider talking to a doctor, counselor, or local church leader. There are plenty of people willing to help you, but you have to first be willing to reach out.

Once you have your support person in line, what are your options?

Abortion

As advocates of adoption, abortion is certainly not our favorite option to promote. But it is an option available to you. Should you feel as though terminating this pregnancy is the best choice for you, visit your doctor or a local clinic for more information and the opportunity for counseling. Know that abortion can have long-lasting psychological effects and is very difficult – and oftentimes impossible – for some women to get over. But there are those who do maintain it was the right choice for them. The important thing is to be honest with yourself here about what you can handle, and whether or not you could have an abortion without regret.

Adoption

For women who cannot imagine having an abortion, but who also can’t fathom raising a child, the option of adoption provides you the opportunity to lovingly select a family for your child who is ready and willing to take on the responsibilities of parenting. In many cases these days, open adoptions also provide you the opportunity to remain in contact with your child, should that be something you want. If not, closed adoptions are also available. As the birth mother, you are able to indicate what type of adoption you want, and to decide on the family that seems best suited to raise your child. While adoption is also a difficult path and requires you to be selfless in your love for your child, it can also be a very beautiful way to form a family – and to give your child a life, even when you don’t feel prepared to raise him or her yourself.

Keeping Your Child

For a lot of women, the fear that overtakes them upon first finding out they are pregnant can cause them to feel as though they couldn’t possibly raise this child. Many have financial concerns or are worried about unstable relationships and educational and career goals that have not yet been reached. For some women, those fears of inadequacy linger and they never feel as though they are fully equipped to raise a child. But for others, the fears begin to fade as their baby grows, and they may begin to wish they could find some way to raise their child themselves. If you are struggling with the desire to raise your child, but you don’t know how to possibly make it work, there are counselors and programs available to help you. It certainly won’t be easy, and it will require work and commitment on your part, but if you want to raise your child yourself, there is almost always a way to make that work.

Adoption Makes Family is here for you to assist you in weighing your options. Unlike some adoption agencies, we want what’s best for you and your child. We will talk with you about all of the options available and back you up on whichever path you take. It’s a difficult time for you; don’t go through it alone!

Whether you have decided on adoption as your choice or are looking for more information on your options before you, please contact us at any time.

You have successfully completed your first adoption and feel loved and blessed to have such a wonderful child. You’re so excited that you’re considering adopting another child. Adopting a second child is similar in many ways to adopting the first one, but has a few core differences and factors that you may want to consider.

General Adoption Factors – The Changes

One of the best parts about already having experience in the adoption field and going through with an adoption to the end is that you’re aware of the process and the adoption agency is aware of you. These connections give you the support and knowledge that is necessary for all adoptions. As you are aware of from your first adoption, there are some factors that you must consider with any adoption; however, these factors are more important during each consecutive adoption.

• Financials – With all of the adoption considerations, you must consider your financial situation. Adopting a second child will double your expenses. You already have experience with the first child, so expect to have similar bills again. If you can barely afford your child, yourself, and all of the bills, then a second child can be an unwise choice. Another important consideration in terms of money are the costs associated with what one child has that the other does not. Siblings are always competing with one another and you’ll have to deal with these situations accordingly, oftentimes resulting in a purchase of some form.
  BabyCenter has a child cost calculator that states that you’ll spend about $725 per month in total supporting your child. Looking at your first adoption, compare this average with what you believe to have actually spent. This can give you a good idea of what kind of budget you’re looking at for your second child.
• Home Study – You probably remember your home study being a little stressful. This same feeling will more than likely sink in again, but this time with an extra consideration. The adoption representative performing the home study will take note of your current adoption’s status. They will look for any safety hazards for your child, health concerns, and the general living space’s atmosphere.
• Space – Your home has a limited amount of space. Look around your home now and see if you have enough room for another child. From the legal standpoint, your home has to have enough room to sustain a child in a healthy living environment. Your home study will go through and determine if your home meets the requirements, but you should go through first on your own and make this decision. Keep in mind that your children can share a room, but must have their own bed. If you do pursue this option, think about the future and whether or not the children will want to have separate rooms in their teen years.

Explaining the Second Child to the First

The key difference to adopting a second child is that you have already have a child. Depending on the age of your first child, explaining this lovely addition to your family can vary. If the second adoption will take place soon after your first, then your first child is likely still very young and wouldn’t require any explanation. However, if your first child is old enough to walk and talk, then they can likely grasp the concept of how a new child would affect them. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Explaining Adoption – If your first child was adopted, then they likely already know what adoption is and how it works; however, they’ve never been on the other end of the adoption process. Explain to your child how you were matched with him/her and how excited you were to finally meet them. If you feel your child is not old enough to understand this process, then you do not have to explain it to them. Many parents find that not telling them until the day your second child is born is just easier to accept and explain than starting from the beginning.
• Waiting Until the Birth – Please keep in mind that the home study will involve whether or not your child is accepting of another sibling. You will have to at least speak with your child about how they would feel about a brother or sister before the birth. If you wish to keep some of the process out of this discussion, feel free. However, when it comes time to meet your second child, if your first child is young but not quite a teenager yet, then they will likely ask you where their new sibling came from. Sometimes it’s best to explain the concept on the day you meet your new child because it’s easier for the child to understand the concept of having a brother or sister when you show them.

Final Note

If there’s one thing to keep in mind it’s that this adoption will add not just a son/daughter, but a brother/sister as well. Keep in mind the emotions that your first child may be going through during the transition and be sure to give each of your children the attention they need!

Feel free to contact us if you have any further questions.

At Adoption Makes Family we put a lot of time and effort into providing the best support possible for you throughout the adoption process. When going through an unplanned pregnancy, you need support and guidance to get through it. Unplanned… Read More

In an open adoption, birth parents and the adoptive families work out just how open they want the adoption to be. In some rare cases, the relationship between the birth parents and birth child is very close and at other… Read More

A common misconception with adoption is that you must be married to adopt. However, a single person can adopt if they would like to add a child to their life. In fact, single parent adoptions made up about 28.2% of… Read More

Unplanned pregnancies are a common occurrence in society. As a birthmother, you can raise a child yourself or place it up for adoption. All of the misconceptions from mental handicaps to evil parents have plagued the industry, but the truth of the matter is children that need a loving family receive a loving family through adoption. During the home study step, we do an intense evaluation of the prospective adoptive families. If you do choose to go on the adoption path, there are a lot of things you need to know, which we cover in-depth when you talk to your adoption counselor.

Getting Started

When you are in the midst of an unplanned pregnancy, the first stage is to give us a call. The call is likely the hardest thing to do, so you may want to come in and sit down with us to talk about it. During our initial conversation, we’ll discuss your options. We will talk about:

• Financial Considerations
• Support from Family and Friends
• Support Groups
• Future Plans

Many adoption agencies push adoption onto all pregnant mothers, but it’s simply not for everyone. However, if you decide to move forward with the adoption, then we can talk about the steps we’ll take. Keep in mind that you have plenty of time to change your mind if you wish to down the road.

Your Adoption Profile

First, we need to create an adoption profile for you. The adoption profile is a part of the adoption plan. In fact, it’s one of the most important parts of the adoption plan. This profile is essentially what we use during our matchmaking. We do not choose the family for you, but we use our best judgment to see which families we think would best match your preferences, which you’ll designate in the profile. From these matches, you may choose one of the families. If you don’t like any of them, that’s OK too. Some of the specifics we’ll cover in your profile include:

• Do you want your child to be raised by a single man/woman, married couple, or do you have no preference?
• Do you want an open or closed adoption?
• Would you want your child to be an only child or have siblings?
• Do you have a preference on the family’s religion?
• What other characteristics do you see in your child’s future?

We’ll go over this profile with you and help you create it.

Some other important things to keep in mind when designing your adoption profile:

• Be honest with yourself and with us.
• Think about what future you want for your child.
• Be specific. The more specific you are, the better your chances of finding the perfect family for your child!

Home Studies

As the birthmother, you don’t need to do anything yourself for this stage, but the home study is something you should be aware of. At the very end of the process, when the child is placed in the family you can rest assured every precaution has been taken during the home study. During the home study, we:

• Perform background checks.
• Interview the families to get specifics about them and their lifestyle.
• Physically evaluate every area of their home. The home must be child-friendly and safe.
• Do not provide “free passes” for any families.
• Check their financial standings and credit ratings.

Many families do not pass the home study phase, but those that do are ideal families for adoption. You can take comfort in knowing that your child will be placed in a loving environment surrounded by a supportive family.

Adoptive Families

You have the power to say “yes” or “no” to any and all families. Our goal is provide the support and the structure you need to find the best family. Even after you choose a family, you can still back out. There is legal paperwork at the end of the process that designates the parenting rights of your child is now that of the adoptive family. That is the point at which you must finalize your decision, but that is over 6 months from now.

Choosing the adoptive family is a beautiful process. If you choose to, you can meet the adoptive family and perform your own interview and ensure that they are the best match for you and are exactly what you were looking for. You can take as much charge in this as you wish. For example, you can have the adoption counselor come in with you, stay outside, or even perform the interview for you. This is the future of your child’s life and the family is the core designator of how he/she grows up. If you wish to remain anonymous and would prefer a closed adoption, you do not need to meet the adoptive parents at any point.

The Birth

During the birth, we will fully support your decisions. During delivery, you can choose to have any or none of the following people in the hospital or even the delivery room:

• Family and Friends
• Your Adoption Counselor
• Adoptive Family
• Birthfather

After the delivery of the baby, this is the most emotional time for all of our birthmothers. We recommend you have some form of support with you once the baby is born, if not during the birth. You can hold the baby for as long as you wish, or you can hand the baby to the adoptive family yourself. One important thing to consider is when you wish to leave the hospital; before, after, or at the same time of the adoptive family. Many birthmothers don’t think of this and have a hard time leaving the hospital without the child. At this stage, a lot of legal paperwork must be filed that we will contact you to finish up.

Final Stages

There will also be a court date to decide whether or not the adoptive family is indeed a suitable family. Once the court declares the adoptive family the parents of the child, you have 30 days to decide whether you wish to raise the child yourself instead.

Remember, Adoption Makes Family is here for you every step of the way. The most important thing to remember is that you have support here if you need it! If you have any questions or concerns about your adoption, let your counselor know or contact Dr. Kirschner. Keep in mind that stress, anxiety, depression, and feelings of loss, grief, and regret are all completely natural during the process.